thoughts in chaos version 1.1

testing a new face for the old blog. tried other platforms, but no other seemed good enough.

October 18, 2005

the end draws near

o darkside rebirth termina aqui. chega ao fim uma aventura de um ano. não terá começado pelas melhores razões. muito menos pelos melhores sentimentos. não que as nuvens se tenham dissipado e o sol brilhe de novo por aqui. simplesmente não consigo dar continuidade ao projecto. não está adequado à realidade, que entretanto mudou. para o bem ou para o mal, ainda não sei.

continuarei nas crónicas habituais aqui. e devo regressar em breve a este registo - quero dizer, a este registo final, mais minimalista. agradeço aqui a todos aqueles que me leram e deixaram comentários. no fundo, as metáforas que aqui escrevi ao longo do último ano foram para vocês. que me leram. se quiserem continuar quando eu voltar... digam qualquer coisa. o mail é

(um beijinho especial à moon priestess, pela força)

October 08, 2005



S. enjoyed gambling with his boyfriend's feelings until the very day he won the first roll.

October 07, 2005

"heaven knows i'm miserable now"

"heaven knows i'm miserable now"

Yes, it does.

October 03, 2005

the ring of time

the ring of time

We are only aware of details - of those that really matter - when it is too late to change our deeds. Either for good or ill.


Just let yourself go. Dozens - even hundreds - of people are around you in the same rush, but you are all alone. All that matters is the sound. Pure, clean, flowing into your ears, marking your heartbeat's rythm. The guitars raging, the didgeridoo echoing loud, as some ancient war tromp calling the warriors to battle. And the lights - a chaotic rainbow of flashing gazes upon you, staring not into your eyes but into your soul. There is cold outside, but you feel nothing - the cold, the bruises all around your body, the violent tide of people hitting each other randomly. No one cares - everything but the music, the pure music, is reduced to oblivion. Just let yourself go.

September 15, 2005

the mirror

The last time I looked into your eyes they were dead cold as I never thought they could be. They didn't even seem yours: the deep blue turned storm gray, melancholic and conscient of their superiority. They were the sky I ever saw in them, but stormy and raging. And I was just a forsaken of the skies, another pariah left to wander without goal.

The storm vanished, but the blue sky didn't come. I looked into your eyes again. They are not dead cold anymore. But they are not the mirage I dreamt for so long. They are not cold nor warm. They are dead, filled with an infinite sadness that wants to cry so hard but cannot do it. I don't know what happened to you, or who could cause you such a harm. But I recognize your sorrow. I saw it for sometime, everytime I stared at myself in the mirror.

September 11, 2005

daysleeper, moonlover

For countless time I've wandered through the world, from high mountains to endless green plains, having the sun as the only company. I still remember that time, though it seems so far away now... the deep, blue skies, the warm sunrays on my face. The light - gods, the light! So pure, so fair, so... wonderful.
I remember when I used to wake up before the dawn only to stare at her. I could see her for only a few minutes - but that little moment was enough to send shadows away. I rose from the bed in a hurry and ran to the hills next to the sea. The night was going, and the skies had many colours. The sea was calm, endless gray, roaring slowly as a slumbering giant. The stars were long gone but one. The last star in the sky, gmimmering as any other, amazing as the most pure white diamond. And in the white sand I sat, all alone, with both my eyes fixed with astonishment in the Morning Star. My secret love.
I cannot say for sure what happened. For many years I did the same morning ritual. For many years she was there only for me. Those mere minutes were worth a life time.
And then she didn't come. She was there, high in the morning skies as before. But she wasn't there for me anymore. Her light seemed so cold, so pale... she wasn't mine anymore. Something changed, someone appeared.... I don't know. In that moment, all I could do was to stare at what was not mine anymore and cry.
Then I ran. I don't know for how long. I just ran for no place, trying in despair to find some place to hide from the searing light. The same light that conforted me so many times was killing me. I needed to run away. I needed darkness.
When I left my hideout, the world was dark. The skies were deep black, full of little stars. The world was quiet, silent, cold. But inexplicably warm, surprisingly comfortable. I could feel the soft wind caressing my skin, wiping the long dry tears in my face. I could feel a strange touch in my soul, while my sorrow and sadness vanished. It was the night I could see all around me. But the touch wasn't hers.
I reached the hills next to the sea, where I used to be by the morning. The sea remained there, as a great black lake, eternal mirror of the distant sky. I turn my eyes to the stars. She was there. But the presence I felt was not hers.
It was the Moon. The full Moon was rising in the bleak skies, pure with his radiant light. The seas shone in silver below her, and the darkness embraced her light. It was like a dream. Evanescent, unique, unreal. And there I remained, sitting alone in the hill, while she patiently healed my sunburns. The Morning Star was still there, high in the skyes, shining as before. But my eyes never turned to her again.

September 05, 2005

deceiver of fools

So many times I wondered.
Quite a futile exercise.
I never understood why didn't you leave after the fall. It would make sense. Much more sense than your shadowy return of one step forward and one step back. I was trying to get over the mess. I was trying to survive. I was trying to move away, to find myself once more.
In a way, I did. Yet I had to fight a silent battle against yourself -are you aware of that? Have you ever realized the harm you caused me? You said I was selfish - but what were you, then, when you decided not to leave alone? When you decided to haunt my every waking moment. When you decided not to give me a second of peace. When you decided to put up your wall of delusions to trick me once again. You almost did it. Almost.
I still cannot understand why by a thousand hells don't you leave me alone for good. Yes, I am talking in the present. For you're still somewhere out there. Waiting for something. I don't know who you are anymore, nor what do you want. But, believe me, I know enough about you. It's ironic: I don't know you, you're still an open book for me. In many ways.

September 02, 2005

field of innocence

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child.
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now...

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world...
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all...

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back.
Somehow it seems colder now...

Where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger...
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything...

(Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.)

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world...
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything...


Where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger...
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything...

I still remember...

"Field of Innocence", Evanescence

August 28, 2005

no questions

It would be so easier, dear. I can imagine it all the time. You and me. Together. Sharing all those little things that would mean so much to us. Spending some tiny, endless moments embraced in our own silence. Our eyes staring not at our faces, but at our souls. Our hands touching. Our hearts beating faster as if their heartbeats were the same - and they would be. They would be.

I am thinking about you. I still have your warm, soft kiss in my lips. I still feel your arms around me, pressing me against you. And... I would have faced my very own chaotic hell for just a second more with you in my arms. I would.

Don't ask me now if I think about you - I do have no thoughts. Don't ask me now if I miss you - I fell a dead cold inside of me. Don't ask me now if I want you - I have no idea about what do I want. And don't - please, do not ask me if I love you. For I won't have an answer.

August 17, 2005

behind blue eyes

Ver-te, passados todos estes anos, foi a derradeira prova de que nem sempre a imagem que fazemos dos outros corresponde à sua aparência real. Não me perguntes como te recordava - não to sei responder. Apenas não sei como fui capaz de me esquecer dos teus olhos azuis.
Mas agora sei que não os voltarei a esquecer.